Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Bigmouth Strikes Again

Daddy has a hood, black leather with a metal hole at the mouth. Unfortunately, the hole is only large enough for breatheing, i don't think Daddy could fit Himself through it for a blowjob. It's warm in that hood, i've worn it only once before, during a punishment. Daddy showed it to me when W/we first began to play, asking me how i felt about sensory deprivation. i hadn't had any experience with sens dep at the time, and He didn't go any further into it.
i believe Daddy used the hood on me during punishment because i don't like it. i say "i believe" because He didn't tell me why He put it on me, but He knows i don't like it, so it would make sense to have me hooded when i was being "adjusted" due to naughtiness. But since then i haven't worn it.
Daddy says He likes the dehumanizing aspect of it. He has mentioned that He would like to get me something like this, but as a kitty.

i was reading slut on display the other day, and it started me thinking about hoods. And whether or not i want to wear one. It's not that i'm clausterphobic, or that i have any issues with not being able to see. Daddy has frequently blindfolded me, and has even done it with other people present, and i was perfectly fine with it. And though its uncomfortably hot in the hood, it's not what bothers me most.
i guess what bothers me is the disappearance of me. i worry all the time about whether or not i please Daddy in a general way. i know that certain things i do ( cooking meals, blowjobs, rule following) please Him, and He tells me. But i'm never certain if i, myself, am pleasing. Partly because i'm insecure, and partly because Daddy has a reticent and reserved type of personality. What i lack in physical beauty i try to make up for by being an interesting person and giving good conversation...and blowjobs. Did i mention blowjobs? i give alot of

i get unnerved thinking about standing there, naked except for the hood. It's scary. It makes me literally squirm and my heart pound. The hood makes me really uncomfortable.

And i couldn't stop thinking about it. And then i realized that my inability to shake the thoughts about the hood could mean i wanted it. Even though it scares me, or, probably because it scares me. i want to be scared. i want to be completely freaked out. That's part of what i enjoy about all this D/s stuff in the first place. Duh.

So, i wrote about it in the private blog.
i will be fucked in it the next time i visit Daddy.

God. Damn. Bigmouth.

1 comment:

persephone said...

oh laani. good luck with the hood! you articulated your feelings with this so clearly... i can see exactly why you feel the way you do.

my owners haven't done much of that kind of thing with me, but i do like the idea of that kind of restriction. it's like a sensory bondage.