Monday, March 22, 2010

To Begin With

Persephone was asked about how to meet a dominant man. She wrote a wonderful post about her search for a dominant partner online using eharmony. I've read her for a long time, so I had followed this process on her previous blog, Persephone's Obedience. At the time she began with Luke, I began with M, and had commented to her that our lives were paralleling strangely. Reading in more detail about her search made me think of how M and I met, so I asked her if she would mind if I detailed how M and I came to know each other. She thought it was a good idea, and graciously expressed her own interest in knowing how our relationship started.

It was an odd series of events...

About a week after Daddy and I parted, my girlfriend Astrid invited me out. I'd been feeling down, and she thought a night of dancing would be just the thing to get me out of my apartment and cheer me up. I put alot of care into getting ready, but it ended up being for nothing. Astrid and I had fun talking and having a few drinks, but every guy we talked to seemed completely incapable of even the most rudimentary conversation. I met a guy who professed to be a writer, and he couldn't even come up with any interesting stories to tell me. I found it extremely frustrating, and I was kinda fed up, with guys in general that week, which culminated in a bit of a rant that you can read here.

During the course of conversation with Astrid, she mentioned she had a profile on a dating website. I was a bit taken aback by that confession. I never imagined Astrid internet dating. I suppose the original stigma is disappearing, and I didn't judge her for it, I was just surprised. And then I became curious.

The next day I got online and found the site, OKCupid, to look at her profile. Initially, I thought I needed to create a profile of my own to search thru the site, but I've since learned that I may have been wrong about that. Nevertheless, I spent a bit of time creating a profile and putting up a pic. I didn't take it seriously, wasn't creating the profile to attract anyone, and began my search for Astrid's profile.

OKCupid has a few standard questions for it's profiles that everyone answers. In addition to that there's a series of questions you can answer that improve your ability to "match" resulting in a "match" percentage, a "friend" percentage, and an "enemy" percentage with all the other people on the site. These voluntary questions also create "personality trait" icons that give you a quick view of the person's personality. These are particularly helpful for kinksters because on this site there is a "More Kinky" icon. (It's cute, too! It's the butt of a woman in garters with a whip!) There's also a feature that allows you to make a request to a potential match for a more detailed report that compares the actual percentages so you can see which of you is actually kinkier. There's also a "Quiver" feature, but more about that later.

I wasn't having much luck finding Astrid, so I started answering the voluntary questions. The questions vary in seriousness, and you can choose to skip one if you don't want to answer them. They're multiple choice answer with the options being of the "strongly disagree" down the line to " strongly agree" variety. They were fun/funny/interesting, and I had a ton answered in no time.

There's a million ways to waste time on OKCupid beyond searching for "the One". There's a journal/blog feature, quizzes, a chat feature, and a message board/forum. The feel of the site is light hearted, and can appear to be just for "hook ups". No doubt many people use it for that. It's not as serious as eharmony, but there are people there looking for serious relationships. On the profiles people have options for what it is they are looking for (e.g. long term dating, short term dating, activity partners, etc.) You can block people, rate people, send "winks" (non-committal "hiya"), and create a list of (and have the option of letting them know) who your "favorites" are.

As I continued to explore the site, I received a message or two with not very good "match" percentages. I didn't bother with them, until I got one with an exceedingly high "match" percentage. It was something like a 90% match. But the message was empty, they hadn't written anything. I went to look at the profile, and the pic was a pretty cute guy, so I read his profile. He seemed interesting, so I emailed him back saying that the message had been blank.

When he replied, it was with a message full of humor and I could tell that he had actually read my profile. Apparently, I had appeared in his "Quiver" (a collection of people the site sends to you that have a high "match" percentage), and I had the highest percentage with him that he'd ever encountered on the site.

This is how M describes his first view of my profile:

"I'm not sure what your first impressions of me were, but you're gorgeous. Your pictures that you posted showed you off, of course, but they weren't overly concerned with "look at this sultry angle" and heh, I was able to tell that you probably weren't just "internet hot" Your pictures were candid and fun. You obviously had personality (god... I had no idea how MUCH personality) I thought you looked the rare combination of hot, yet fun. I agonized over what I could say to you to get your attention, because as I've stated, you're out of my league. Then OKC hiccuped and the now infamous blank message occurred and the rest is history."

There was an exchange of a few more messages, and soon we were chatting on the site's instant messaging feature. When private messaging on the site there was an option to "slap" the other person you're chatting with that we both used. It was a flirty indication that this guy might be up for some spanking. At the time, the chat feature was new and had a lot of glitches, so we moved to Yahoo I.M. We were laughing and teasing each other right away. I definitely flirted with him, and I used the "More Kinky" icon as a means to discern his receptiveness to BDSM and D/s play. I didn't go into much detail, I was just testing the waters. We didn't have any awkwardness, and we ended up talking until something like 5am that first night.

M's side of that first conversation:

"I remember talking to you online. You seemed snarky and spunky and like someone who would take my ribbings and jokes well. I let my guard down quickly and before long we were just talking. I didn't have to figure out if I could say something that would bother you or not. For one thing, the initial part of our conversation dealt with your annoyance that OKC deemed me "More Kinky" than you. I wasn't sure if you viewed me as a challenge or an impostor. You kept grilling me about what I'd done or what I was into. I remember telling you after some prodding that I liked anal sex and you did the internet equivalent of blow a raspberry at me and replied, "child's play". I suppose at that moment, there was no turning back and we had to meet and see where we stood."

[For the record, I was not grilling him! Heh heh :) I did, however, tell him that anal sex was "not kinky." ;D ]

He got no sleep, but when I woke up I had another message in my box. He was emailing me his phone number and daring me to use it. Of course I took him up on it, and sent him a text saying, "O, I dare alright!" He called me on his lunch break, and I believe that's when we mad our first date. I think this was on a Thursday, so from our initial messages to chatting online to that phone call was about 3 or 4 days. We made our date for the next night, Friday August 1st.

I had work that night (I was still working at the restaurant then), and I begged to be allowed to leave after the dinner rush. Of course the bus was late, and I was getting so angry. I called M and he told me he had had his own delay at work. He had gotten a last minute call for an order, and he had told the (French) customer that he had to go (sometimes customers get chatty while ordering) because he had a date. And the guy understood, quickly ending the call! Hahaha

When I got home I quickly did my make-up. I had discussed with a co-worker friend what I was going to wear, so that decision had already been made, and I rushed to do my hair. I called M again, telling him I was running behind, and we agreed to meet in the city at a bar that would be easy for me to get to from the train. While riding the train I was excited, nervous, and didn't know if we should hug, or shake hands, or what when we finally met.

It turned out he made the decision for me, opening his arms when we spotted each other and I crossed the street. It was a good hug, and I thought he was cute, tho he looked different from his profile pics. In the pics he had a beard, but on our first date he was clean shaven and baby-faced. I was attracted, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to sleep with him. I wasn't thinking about BDSM right then, only vanilla, but from our previous conversations I had found him receptive to choking and face fucking, at least. He had also admitted to a kinky fantasy that we eventually fulfilled.

This is M's version of our date once we reached the bar:

"You just charmed the shit out of me and were rough enough around the edges to violently keep my attention. I don't even remember a lot of what we talked about because I just tried to give you an open-ended question so I could just stare at you while you talked. I loved looking at your full, expressive lips while we talked. I loved ribbing you and the faux-offended way you pursed your lips and pouted (equally enthralling was the "are you fucking kidding me?" look with a flash of New Jersey sass you'd flash me when I went too far) when I poked fun. From the moment we sat down at the bar I wanted so badly to kiss you. I loved your hair, I loved your unself-conscious way of laughing, you smelled good and you met me at every turn when I'd pop off with something stupid and somehow I didn't offend you or make you think I was dumb and/or juvenile."

"Every time you touched my shoulder or my leg while we were talking, I took notice, and it was like a bolt went through my system and my "holy fuck" alarm went off. I'm not sure why I finally kissed you in the bar, but like I've said, I never do shit like that. Usually I have to be kissed. The urge to take you was uncontrollable, yet our conversation was so good that we stayed until the bar almost closed!"

That first kiss made me blush! Me?! Blush?! After that there really wasn't any doubt for me. I was very into this guy. I remember laughing until my cheeks hurt, and his smile was so disarming. He had great stories to tell, and told them well. He'd traveled alot thru Europe, to Asia, and all over the U.S. He seemed to be able to find the humor in things; a trait I admire in others, one I sometimes lack. I thought he was paying attention to what I had been saying, but from what he says up ^there^, I guess not! Heh heh :) He also told me that when we left the bar, the bartender, an acquittance of his, asked him my name, and he totally blanked! He says he remembered by the time he got into the cab. Silly boy...

Yes, I had sex with him on what was, technically, our first date. I admit I can be a bit impulsive. I wasn't actively looking for someone like Persephone was, but I was honest about who I was from the beginning. M was assertive enough to contact me, gaining the confidence from the high compatibility percentage. I felt comfortable discussing things of a sexual and kinky nature because of the personality trait icons that indicated we were both "More Kinky".

Maybe eharmony would be best if you know you want to get married, but OKCupid may be good for women interested in dating around a bit, and it's free. There's plenty of other things to do on the site, it's user friendly, and not everyone on there is just looking to get laid. I think the problem with sites like FetLife, CollarMe, and is that they are fetish/BDSM/Sex sites. That's what their focuses are on foremost, not relationships. Vanilla sites offer you the chance to have things in common other than your sexuality, and that's what is going to create a relationship beyond mutual kinks.

M didn't, and probably still wouldn't, consider himself a Dom. He doesn't identify with that, but he was receptive to playing and exploring. He's enjoyed our games and continues to Top me more and more. He's developing games of his own, taking the initiative to create his own play as he becomes more comfortable, and figures out what it is that turns us both on. He's good at it, and it's a process we're doing together.

I'll leave you with these final words from M:

"It's a rare and beautiful thing when 2 depraved people can meet and act out impulses without fear of being admonished, or worse, having the other merely endure someone else's kinks just to placate them. I've never done that with you. I have never thought that you've done that with me."


Anonymous said...

Laani, this post is incredible! I LOVE the quotes from M. What a perfect meeting and first date. Reading gave me goosebumps. I'm going to forward to Luke, who enjoys a good love story as much as I do.

Kelsi said...

This is was a really great post! I like that M wrote a little bit on this one too. It's interesting to see his point of view. The little argument over who was more kinky was super cute!


Laani said...

P- I'm so glad you enjoyed it! When I was done I didn't think it was nearly as good as the one you made. ;) I hope Luke enjoyedit. I'd love to know what his thoughts were.
Kelsi- I'm so glad you've decided to comment! ;) The quotes from M are from a letter he sent me for my B-Day present. I think we all know who won the "More Kinky" argument. Haha

Anonymous said...


I think this was one of your best posts (although they're all fantastic). The way you wrote it was so sincere, it had me enthralled. I agree with Kelsi that it was a nice surprise to see M's perspective.
Admittedly, I've never thought much of internet dating, and I still don't. I flirted with it but, never thought (or did) find anything fulfilling or promising on one. I sympathize with your comments on sites like Fetlife or Bondage, from my experience they've been exactly as you described.

I still think it's a rare occurrence to find someone who truly "matches" you on a website, but it's lovely to see how it worked out for both you and Persephone.

Anonymous said...

Hey Laani,

It's been almost a month since you last posted. Are you doing alright?

Anonymous said...

Wasn't that just lovely!!