Back In The Saddle Again

Hello all! I've missed you guys!

I know it's been for-ever since I've posted. Life has been super crazy this past year. There hasn't been much fun going on, sex or otherwise, to report. I had a huge move this year and I'm in a new city.

Laani is now posting from Charlotte, N.C. It's a cool lil' city. I'm still exploring it.

There's been a development in the romance department. He's cute, funny, smart, Dominant, Daddy-ish...and lives in fucking WISCONSIN! Argh...! We've been talking for about 3 weeks now and I'm not sure what, if anything, it will develop into. But I adore talking to him and I'm having a great time so far. I suppose I may be entering into the realm so many other Dom/sub relationships find themselves in where they live so far apart.

Check back as new details emerge. ;)

Don't Go There

So, there are all these websites and TV channels I can't go to now. They're way too painful to visit. They bring back so many memories. There are too many associations with M. I have visited them regularly for all while we were together; certain TV shows/channels we watched together at my place. They've become internet and TV land mines I need to sidestep. If I accidentally happen to step on one I cringe instantly.

Even walking down my street I see reminders everywhere. These I obviously can't avoid, so I try to avert my eyes. Even when I hear the train that used to bring him to me, which is impossible for me to avoid, I instantly dip in emotional well being.

Everywhere I look in my apartment, I see things he's left here or gave me. I can't get away from that. Also, unavoidable. My own fucking apartment is working against me!

I suppose none of this matters anyway, because I can't get away from my mind. Especially since I gave up drinking. It's all so raw. It's so painful it makes my throat close up and my stomach twist. I think I'm done crying, I have no tears left. It's just a deep, open wound. And it makes me question everything about my life and my choices, and my confidence in my ability to live this life and be the adult I'm supposed to be. Everything seems wrong.

I hate even writing this. I had hoped it would be cathartic, but it hasn't been. It's just bringing back memories I can't get out of my fucking head. They spring up. They destroy me.

Oh. Look. I was wrong. I do still have more tears.

If You Can't Say Anything Nice...

M dumped me. I don't feel like fuckin'. I don't feel like talkn'. I don't feel like boggn'.

He has his reasons. Fuck, I have my reasons.

I do not want it to end. I want him still.

It hurts too much.

So You Wanna Be A Professional Dominatrix

I have returned to the Dungeon I began my professional Domme career. It's under new management; I wouldn't have gone back otherwise. I had major conflicts with the previous owner, but it is now all female run, staffed, managed, and even the webmaster is a webmistress. I'm still independent. It's like being a hairstylist in a salon. You service the salon clients, yet you still have a "book" of clients that are your own.

So, the week I began there was a new girl. She'd never done BDSM stuff before, but she had done phone sex and it included BDSM talk. I tried to take her under my wing a bit. Actually, I didn't try, she asked me to help her, so I showed her some stuff...rope work, different flogging techniques, I even offered to show her some makeup tips. She's a bit crusty punk, but not in the stinky way. It's more stylistic, if you know what I mean. She thought wearing Doc Martens were an ok boot to wear in session. Now, I'm a grungy riot grrrl from waaaay back, so I have no problem with Docs, but it's not gonna get her sessions. Plus, she wanted to wear yellow eyeshadow.

You gotta be you, and I told her that. But one must also keep in mind who our audience/clientèle is. It's not young hipster, punk, crusty guys. We get old men, I.T. guys, professionals. They like a little goth look, but they don't want a chick who looks like she just crawled out from behind a dumpster. Have you ever watched the old school Degrassi? The seasons with Spike; the punk chick who got knocked up? She had "fringe", and so does the new girl. I haven't seen that in so long. The new girl received a wig from another girl that was ratty. I tried to brush it for her, and she got all irritated. Well, fuck her then. Go out looking like you just grabbed your hair from the trash can.

When I started I was humble. Not by design, but because I really didn't know much about topping/Dommeing. I listened, I watched, I learned. I fucked up, I excelled, I kept clients coming back.

My advice is the same sort of advice you would get for any job. Keep your mouth shut. Watch everyone. Pay attention. Empathize with the client. Be enthusiastic. Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable. And by "uncomfortable" I don't mean something you don't enjoy necessarily, but something that makes you want to run. There's a difference.

That's all for now.

Happy Birthday To Me

We do it all the time. We do it without giving it all that much thought. We do it because it makes US happy. It's not even so much that THE BOY will notice, it just brings us pleasure to make his life have an unexpected joyful moment. YEAH!!!!!

M and my anniversary was Aug 1st. I gave him 3 books about WW2, based on The Pacific. We watched it together. He didn't recognize our anniversary. He even gave me shit about it. He said that I shouldn't expect him to keep track of all the significant dates that I do. I told him that there are only 2 dates I keep track of...our anniversary, and his birthday.

I don't even care about a fucking present. And if he thinks I'm the type of person who gets angry because I don't have a pair of diamond earrings waiting for me....

The present I asked for last year was a letter about how he felt about me. Frankly, I'm tempted to adk for that agsin. Asking what the new expectations are.

To Begin With

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Ask Laani

I recieved an email over the weekend with a few questions in it, and I'm posting the email as well as my response, as promised.

Hello Laani!

You said March is the month for your readers to ask you questions, so here goes:

1) In your last post you mentioned you have a Pro-Blog??? What is that? How can I find it? (I just recently discovered your blogs, my boyfriend has been secretly following it and just decided to share it with me a few days ago. Apparently he's been getting off to your stories, hehe, and since we've been talking about adding another girl to the mix, I suppose he wanted to introduce me to this blogosphere as a test? To see if another woman would honestly arouse me? Who knows. Well it worked. I fell in love with your writing style and your posts. Since Monday, I've devoured all the posts I could find since 2007, if there are previous ones, please let me know!)


2) How did you, when did you, discover bdsm? D/lg dynamics? Your submissive side? How did you become a dominatrix?

3) In bed you're submissive, but at work you take charge in, what appears to me to be, a very Domme way. Do you associate yourself as a bottom and a top? Are you a switch? If so, are you equally comfortable in both roles?


4) You worked at a sex club? What was it called? Is it still open?

5) How did you find the erotic literary salon?


6) If you haven't already, could you make an "About me" page? We both want to know so much more about you. We find you to be an intriguing, sexy, coy, and playful minx.

Sincerely,
-Mina

And my response...

Hi Mina,

Thanks for asking. :)

1) My Pro-Blog is one I use for work on my website. I don't think you'd find it of much interest as it's for the clients/slaves. I did have a private blog that only Daddy and I had access to, but I stopped keeping it when he and I parted.

2) How and when I discovered BDSM is harder to describe. I remember reading romance novels as a teenager and I always responding to the over-powering or binding of the heroines. I didn't identify it as BDSM, it just turned me on. I had a bf in my late teens that lent me the Ann Rice books, The Beauty Chronicles, and that really left an impression on me. I had another bf that I explored spanking and rope bondage with, and we did a little D/s, too. It wasn't until "Daddy" that I really got into it. I called him "Daddy" the first time we had sex, and he was significantly older than me (16 years), and it was easy for us to slip into the D/lg dynamic. He told me he wanted me to keep a blog, which ended up being the private one I mentioned, and I went around the internet looking up this type of play. I didn't find much, and so much of the ageplay stuff was Adult Babies, which I'm not into.
It was at Daddy's recommendation that I try being a pro-domme. I was skeptical, but he said I was smart enough and creative enough to do it. He sent me to an acquaintance of his that ran a dungeon, and I trained there. Eventually, I went independent, and now I work for myself.

3) I'm a professional Switch, technically. It's unusual, it's mostly Dommes, and it be dangerous if one isn't very careful. I have done switching with M in bed. Lately, he's been the top and I've been bottom. I'm most comfortable being submissive/bottom. I feel that way naturally, and have an eager to please type personality.

4) I've had quite a few sex industry jobs...stripper, phone sex, webcam modeling, photo and video work, as well as being a pro-switch. The dungeon wasn't a sex club exactly, it was a house of Domination with a staff of Mistresses and many playrooms. In general I do not like swinger's clubs, BDSM clubs, or fetish events. I don't like to play with men for free unless I am in a relationship with them. And there's alot of posturing and posing that doesn't interest me either. Most of the pro-dommes at those events are just show, and the fetish models pretending to be dommes annoys me also. Having said that, I know quite a few wonderful pro-Dommes that I consider very good friends.

5) I read about the salon in the paper, actually. My friend Devo and I attended, and the rest is history.

6) I don't think I know what you mean by an "About Me" page. Is there some kind of application on blogger for it? (ed. I figured out what she meant, but I have no idea what to write on an "About Me" page. heh heh)

I appreciate your taking the time to write, and I'm so pleased you enjoy my writing. Feel free t contact me with any other questions/comments you may have.
;)

Laani