Missing You

God, How I miss M during the week...

I'm spending alot of time working on all my Pro Domme stuff, and answering emails from clients and fielding their phone calls takes up alot of time during the week, but I still manage to ache for the sound of his voice. When I lay down to sleep at night I wish for him to be curled up next to me. I want the smell of his body clinging to my sheets.

A few weeks ago I discovered he hadn't stopped sleeping with the previously mentioned "fuck buddy". I think "fuck buddy" is a bit of a misnomer because they sound more like "friends with benefits". Anyway, his FWB and he never ceased fucking when M and I began to be exclusive. Actually, I've been exclusive with him from the night I met him, quite a departure from my recent lack of interest to commit. I just haven't been interested in anyone else, and I know the sex just wouldn't be worth it, I'd rather wait for the great sex I know I'll ave rather than waste time and energy on sex that will , doubtlessly be, less than stellar.

It was confusing and painful to learn that he continued to sleep with FWB. I knew "something" was going on, but I didn't want to not trust him when he said that he was only seeing me. Yes, he lied to me, several times. And I felt so foolish to have ignored my stomach and believe him, but I wanted to believe him. I wanted to think he only wanted me. I'm not entirely sure what I believe now, but I do know I still want him. I still love him, and I still want to be with him.

M still hasn't begun to pay more attention to me, tho he says he's not seen her since I found out. I don't have as difficult a time believing that he's not seen her, not because I think he is particularly faithful now, but that he would rather avoid confronting the situation with her than deal with it. I don't know how long that can go on, and I'm not even sure if when that changes he'd even tell me.

So many days will pass before he talks to me. An entire week will easily slip by before I get a phone call or text or email from him. And when I do hear from him, or receive my weekly visit, I don't want to waste the only time we do have together getting into some long drawn out discussion that could end with me in tears and him frustrated and feeling guilty. So, it's been working out pretty well for him. I just feel anxious about it. I hate not knowing what's going on, I hate not being informed. I hate being lied to, and I hate feeling like I'm not a priority.

Ah well, I'm writing this with him sleeping in my bed. One of my kitties is curled up between M's legs, while he softly snores. There's a warm gorgeous boy in my bed, that I should be cuddled up against, and I'm sitting at my computer complaining that I never get enough time with him...