Monday, April 25, 2011

Don't Go There

So, there are all these websites and TV channels I can't go to now. They're way too painful to visit. They bring back so many memories. There are too many associations with M. I have visited them regularly for all while we were together; certain TV shows/channels we watched together at my place. They've become internet and TV land mines I need to sidestep. If I accidentally happen to step on one I cringe instantly.

Even walking down my street I see reminders everywhere. These I obviously can't avoid, so I try to avert my eyes. Even when I hear the train that used to bring him to me, which is impossible for me to avoid, I instantly dip in emotional well being.

Everywhere I look in my apartment, I see things he's left here or gave me. I can't get away from that. Also, unavoidable. My own fucking apartment is working against me!

I suppose none of this matters anyway, because I can't get away from my mind. Especially since I gave up drinking. It's all so raw. It's so painful it makes my throat close up and my stomach twist. I think I'm done crying, I have no tears left. It's just a deep, open wound. And it makes me question everything about my life and my choices, and my confidence in my ability to live this life and be the adult I'm supposed to be. Everything seems wrong.

I hate even writing this. I had hoped it would be cathartic, but it hasn't been. It's just bringing back memories I can't get out of my fucking head. They spring up. They destroy me.

Oh. Look. I was wrong. I do still have more tears.