Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Bigmouth Strikes Again

Daddy has a hood, black leather with a metal hole at the mouth. Unfortunately, the hole is only large enough for breatheing, i don't think Daddy could fit Himself through it for a blowjob. It's warm in that hood, i've worn it only once before, during a punishment. Daddy showed it to me when W/we first began to play, asking me how i felt about sensory deprivation. i hadn't had any experience with sens dep at the time, and He didn't go any further into it.
i believe Daddy used the hood on me during punishment because i don't like it. i say "i believe" because He didn't tell me why He put it on me, but He knows i don't like it, so it would make sense to have me hooded when i was being "adjusted" due to naughtiness. But since then i haven't worn it.
Daddy says He likes the dehumanizing aspect of it. He has mentioned that He would like to get me something like this, but as a kitty.

i was reading slut on display the other day, and it started me thinking about hoods. And whether or not i want to wear one. It's not that i'm clausterphobic, or that i have any issues with not being able to see. Daddy has frequently blindfolded me, and has even done it with other people present, and i was perfectly fine with it. And though its uncomfortably hot in the hood, it's not what bothers me most.
i guess what bothers me is the disappearance of me. i worry all the time about whether or not i please Daddy in a general way. i know that certain things i do ( cooking meals, blowjobs, rule following) please Him, and He tells me. But i'm never certain if i, myself, am pleasing. Partly because i'm insecure, and partly because Daddy has a reticent and reserved type of personality. What i lack in physical beauty i try to make up for by being an interesting person and giving good conversation...and blowjobs. Did i mention blowjobs? i give alot of

i get unnerved thinking about standing there, naked except for the hood. It's scary. It makes me literally squirm and my heart pound. The hood makes me really uncomfortable.

And i couldn't stop thinking about it. And then i realized that my inability to shake the thoughts about the hood could mean i wanted it. Even though it scares me, or, probably because it scares me. i want to be scared. i want to be completely freaked out. That's part of what i enjoy about all this D/s stuff in the first place. Duh.

So, i wrote about it in the private blog.
i will be fucked in it the next time i visit Daddy.

God. Damn. Bigmouth.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Talk Dirty To Me

i took a big leap the other night. i read a piece of erotica i wrote in front of a bar full of people at the inaugural Erotic Literary Salon. It was a wonderful time, and a nice sized crowd, especially when you consider it was the debut and on a Tuesday!

i wasn't sure i was going to actually read at the salon, or that i would read something i wrote. People were invited to read either their own work or another author's. i vacillated between going or not going for days, and changed my mind on Tuesday at least 3 times. i had contacted some writer friends to go with me, but until Tuesday afternoon i hadn't heard back from them. When my friend D called to tell me he had written something that day for the salon, i made my final decision to attend.

i spent some time chatting online with
Ry that day. Ry was encouraging me to blow off the salon because he wanted me to visit with him that night. Daddy had been kind enough to pick out a story for me to read, per my request, and Ry asked me to email him what i intended to read. Ry didn't think the story was very good, i believe the phrase "Penthouse letter" was used to describe it. i wrote it for Daddy in one of the earliest posts on the private blog, and i admit it's not the greatest thing ever written, but i was truly hurt by his "critique".

i really wanted to read the story Daddy had picked out, and i thought that if i did a little re-wording i might be able to improve it a bit before showtime. i began writing it out (i really need to get some ink for my printer), and i realized it was pretty long. i was definitely going to attend the salon, but i hadn't decided whether to read or not, and i didn't want to invest in a story that took alot of time to recite. i decided to copy down a shorter piece, more of a "scene" than a complete story. i also copied out a little 4 line poem i wrote a long, long time ago.

These are the original works i read:

I want hot cinnamon kisses
Sprinkled down my back
Some sweet pepper smack
And a handprint on my ass

i'm playing with my pussy on my father's bed. i have found his porn and toy stash, and i have been cumming for the last hour. The magazines are spread around me and there is a video playing soundlessly on the TV. The hard, red plastic vibrator has been in my cunt and, slowly, inserted into my ass, with no real effect. It was quickly discarded. my fingers are pressed to my soaking wet clit, my ass moving up and down, grinding another orgasm out of my exhausted body. i am sweating, the heat of my body radiating from me, steaming the sheets and pillows. my eyes are squeezed shut, my brow is furrowed, i am about to go over the edge yet again.

i want my father to find me like this. Cumming on his bed. Panting and flushed after imagining him fucking me. i want him to become aroused at the sight of my thighs slick with my own fuck. my cramped glistening fingers curled up on the pillow beside my head. i want him to see between my legs, my still pulsing clit, shuddering under his gaze. i want him to touch me there. He'll wet himself with the juices of my cunt, and straddle me. He will press his cock against my breastbone and gather my tits together. He will fuck me that way, the head of his cock popping into my mouth with every thrust. And when he cums it will be in my hair, splashed across my tits, pooling in the hollow of my throat.

i will be used. i will be desirable. i will arouse. i will be wanted.

i also chose 2 books to read excerpts from; Beauty's Punishment and Topping from Below. The bit from Topping was a description of the main character fucking a dog, and the bit from Beauty was Soldier's Night at the Inn which is a gangbang scene. i chose them for their shock value, and because i wanted to establish right away that there would be no "taboo" topics at the salon. i wanted to establish a precedent for raunchy, filthy extremes, because that's what turns me on, and that's what i write.

When i got to the lounge where the reading was being held, i was asked to sign up to read out loud. There were two bags, one for reading original works and one for reading someone else's. On a slip of paper you were to write your name, the title of the piece, and whether it was "edgy" or "romantic". For all of my submissions (lol) i wrote "edgy" and underlined it with exclamation points. At least they couldn't say they weren't warned...

D arrived a few minutes after me, and we had a cigarette and caught up with each other's lives. The organizer of the event gave a little introductory speech, and introduced a 90-something year old woman who read a short piece she had written. It was very, very cool. She wrote about how she spotted this old guy at her retirement community pool, and their subsequent sex. After she was done reading she gave us the additional information that the sex she had described took place on their first date! Kick ass lady!

Then she started pulling names out of the hat...and guess who's name was chosen first. Yup, me, the big scardey cat who didn't even know if she'd read. And it was from the original works bag, too. i started shaking the minute i heard my name. my heart was racing, and my palms were wet. i'm sure i was flushed from head to toe. i was offered the chance to not go first, but i said i'd do it. i felt lucky and honored, and if i was gonna do it, i was gonna do it, and the only way to do something like that is to just jump into the deep end.

i put the mic on the mic stand with a joke about needing "both hands free", which got a laugh, thank god. The paper was shaking in my hands, and i hoped the audience wasn't noticing. i opened up with the "hot cinnamon kisses" bit, and everyone clapped politely.

Since we had a 5 minute limit, and i was up there already, i read the "father's bed" piece, too. After the first line there was a bit of a murmur, and then absolute silence. i didn't even hear people drinking, no one moved. i read calmly, but with inflection and conviction. i didn't want anyone to think i was ashamed of what i was reading, or that i was in a rush to get through it.

And when i was done, they cheered. i couldn't believe it. They liked it! i mean really liked it. Not polite clapping with accompanying murmurs of snide remarks, but actually enjoyed what i had written. i smiled and giggled back to my seat, and grabbed D's hand to calm myself. i was still shaking, giddy and full of adrenaline when the next person went up. i could barely calm down enough to pay attention to what she was saying.

Eventually i chilled out a bit, and i was able to enjoy the other readers. There was a good combination of original and published works. Another girl read from her own stuff, but i didn't find it very titillating. It was too flowery and obscure for me. i couldn't understand what it was she was describing. Maybe i'm too literal minded for all that. D read his pieces, too, and they were awesome. i knew they would be, tho. He's a really good writer, and he's great at incorporating humor into his pieces without detracting from the sexiness.

Halfway thru there was a break, and all of a sudden D and i were surrounded by people! They were telling us how good they thought our stuff was, and we were asked for our email addresses to join groups. One of the women helping the organizer thanked me for going first, and told me how great she thought i did. i was just shocked, completely shocked. All these people vying for our attention, and telling us how wonderful we were, it was damn heady. i was so flattered, and i got giddy all over again. i am so not poised! lol

D told me how impressed he was with what i had written. He knows how i struggle with writing and that i don't think its particularly good. He says i need to get over my insecurities, and that he wasn't exactly shocked by how good my writing was, but that he was surprised by how well i've progressed since he last heard any of my writing. And believe me, if it was crap he'd say so. lol

After the break there were a few more readers, chosen at random, and then the last name was drawn from the published author bag. Yup, me again. i bookended the event! i read the dog fucking excerpt from Topping first. It opens benignly enough, but the fourth line is "Having sex with the dog was different than i thought it would be," and there were a few gasps and a second of murmuring. But i didn't pause. i kept on reading completely unashamed, and they were absolutely silent again. i had them in the palm of my hand, they were motionless the entire piece. And they loved it, just absolutely loved me going there.

Next i read the chapter from Beauty entitled Soldiers Night at the Inn. It took me a second to find the part i wanted to begin with, the good parts. ;) i read this piece a bit more light heartedly, it sort of lends itself to that. i wanted to give everyone a bit of a respite after the intense taboo of the the dog fucking account i had just read. It was a hit, but can you really go wrong with the Sleeping Beauty Chronicles? ;)

After i read the salon was over, and everyone swarmed D and me again. This time the organizer came over and introduced herself. She was so happy with me. She said that she was so pleased i had read such extreme material, that she had hoped someone would have the courage to do that, and that she had intended for the salon to be a place where people could read things like that. She spoke with D and i for quite a while, and made sure that we would come back for the next salon. D and i have decided to make it a regular monthly date for us, and i look forward to reading even more outrageous writings.

Everyone was very respectful to the readers, but i have to say, when i got up there you could hear a pin drop. Now, since i was first, i could understand that, but by the time i read the published works i felt like they were trusting me to give them something good, something worthwhile. i can't tell you how thrilling and validating that was. i had forgotten what a rush performing is, and to have my own writing so well received was unexpected.

i wished Daddy had been there to see it. i have Him to thank for being the inspiration for my erotic writings. i had written things for boyfriends before, but they never commented about what i had written. my Daddy has always been very encouraging of my writing in general, and very complimentary of my erotica in particular. i know it was me getting all the praise and adulation, but it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for Daddy. i would've loved for Him to see how well received what i had written for Him was. i never considered reading these things out loud and in public, tho i have posted some of them here.

i would also like to thank you guys for all the encouragement and appreciation you have expressed for my original erotic works. i would also like to particularly thank lg, who was probably the first reader to express an interest in my writing, and a desire to hear more. Thank you all, i can't tell you how much your comments encouraged me to be able to participate in the salon.


Saturday, May 10, 2008

Boys Against Girls

my trip to Vegas to be with Daddy for the weekend was a complete success!! Huzzah!

Daddy's friends M and J liked me very much, particularly M. i even got along with L, the girl J flew in as his companion for the weekend. Getting along with Daddy's friends/business partners was the thing that had me the most nervous about the trip. i had never met them before, and Daddy had told me that M would have lots of questions for me about Daddy's and my D/s.

The first night W/we went out to dinner at a really awesome sushi place, Osaka. Daddy, M, and i had alot of fun discussing J and L. i had met L briefly before she and J left for their own evening out, but i hadn't really gotten an impression of her. Daddy and M weren't terribly impressed by her, and i tried not to be too influenced by what T/they said. i didn't want to be unfair to her, maybe she was as nervous about meeting J's friends as i was to meet Daddy's, and hadn't made the best impression because of it. i could understand that.

After T/they gave me the lowdown on J and L, M began a relentless questioning that lasted the rest of the night. It wasn't so much interrogation as boundless curiosity, and he was very charming and accepting. i think M was even a little impressed. i told him that i can have my own ideas and opinions of things, and Daddy even allows me to be a bit of a smartass, as long as it doesn't get out of hand, because i think He enjoys it. i told M that i found submission liberating, that it freed me from having to make decisions all the time. That Daddy's the boss, and that i feel comfortable settling into that, that it makes me feel safe.

At that point M called his girlfriend so i could tell her that. Daddy said i had to talk to her even tho i had never met her! But she was, surprisingly easy to talk to, and she was funny and outgoing , and teasingly told me not to let T/them push me around. Daddy didn't get angry about that, but just laughed. i was glad about that, because she really did sound like a fun person, and i don't think Daddy minded me listening to her say that. Daddy knew it was just her being friendly.

You wouldn't believe what T/they did to me at dinner tho!!! Daddy pays close attention to my alcohol intake when i am with Him, and i only drink what He permits me to have. W/we got some beers and a bottle of saki with dinner, and Daddy had poured me some of each. W/we all chatted easily, and i was trying to be as articulate as possible about D/s for M. i finished my glass of beer, and M poured me another. Up until that point i had only drank what Daddy had given me with His own hands, so i looked over to Daddy to ask if it was ok for me to drink it.

M said for me to just drink the beer, nevermind Daddy. But Daddy asked me if i was going to listen to M. i said of course not, and then Daddy said that i wasn't allowed to, but He used His stern voice. i was confused by His tone. i was being good, why was Daddy using His stern voice?

Then M picked up the glass of beer and put it to my mouth. i clamped my lips shut and tried to pull my head back away from the glass. Daddy was saying not to drink the beer, and to let it pour down my chin before i let it into my mouth. M was telling me to drink. i felt some beer drip down my cleavage, and i was scared i'd smell like beer all night.

Then i felt M pinch my nose closed, and i closed my eyes. i just concentrated on sitting very, very still. i kept my lips tight together, and i could feel the cold beer against my mouth. i didn't hear M or Daddy anymore. i didn't think about people watching us. i didn't even think about my inability to breathe. All i thought about was not drinking that fucking beer.

i don't know how long it went on. It felt like forever , but the whole thing couldn't have been more than a few minutes. M released my nose and the glass disappeared. i think Daddy said something like, "good girl" and "I told you she wouldn't drink it." i think i heard that, i'm not sure. i wiped my mouth and realized where W/we were, and i said "Y/you two are gonna get U/us all arrested!" and all 3 of U/us laughed.

Daddy told me that M later said that while T/they were "scening" with me he felt that time stood still, and the rest of the restaurant disappeared. Until i heard that i hadn't realized i had gone into subspace. i always get so fuzzy when i go into it, and i don't always realize until afterwards that i've been in subspace. Apparently, M had experienced his first foray into Domspace that night with me and Daddy.

i don't know if they had pre-planned the scene. Daddy wouldn't usually take such big risks in public. Anyone of those people in the restaurant could've jumped to my "rescue". During O/our scene the entire restaurant fell silent, and W/we were sitting at the bar, so all the sushi chefs had a front row seat! LMAO No doubt they were all put at ease when i cracked a joke and the 3 of U/us laughed, and W/we probably gave them a great story to recount to friends. lol