Babysteps

"Come here."

M is sitting on the edge of my bed, and I walk slowly over to him. I have a feeling about what he wants, but I push that from my mind as I lean down to kiss his mouth. We kiss slowly and I linger over his cheeks, jawline and neck, attempting to distract him from what I know is coming. His hands go to the button on my jeans, popping it open and then unzipping.

"This is a really short zipper."
"They're super low rise."
"They're about to be even more low rise."

He slides the denim down my legs, and I step out of them with tiny steps so that my legs aren't spread. I'm wearing black , lacy boyshort panties. I'm thankful I wore cute underwear. I always do when I have a date with M, but they have a tendency to come off along with my pants, not giving him an opportunity to see them.

"Take your shirt off."

I hesitate, but not too long. Being topless isn't as difficult as what's to come, so I pull my shirt over my head, but don't toss it aside. I twist the soft jersey in my hands behind my back. I'm beginning to feel that rising anxiety I always have about standing on display. I'm not sure how far he's going to take this, but he knows that I have a desire for this type of play. We've been dabbling in it, and I get the impression he's going to take it a bit further than he has before.

M is running his fingertips up my stomach and over the fronts of my thighs. He trails his hands up my hips, into the curve of my waist, and up the speed bumps of my ribs. He pinches and tweaks my left nipple, and gathers both of my breasts into his hands and massages them, squeezing and crushing the soft flesh. I sigh and try to be still.

I try to be a good girl standing there in my panties. I know that the underwear is going to come off next and all I can think about is how I'll be exposed. My eyes are are shut tight and my head is down. I don't want to see myself. I've brought my hands to the front covering my chest with tightly clenched fists under my chin.

He grabs my hands and pulls them down away from my chest. I resist a little, unwilling to give up the small bit of coverage they afforded me. When he places my wrists at my sides, and uncurls my fingers to lay flat against my hips, I fight the urge to pull them back up.

"Why are your eyes closed?"

I pause, trying to form the words, attempting to articulate what it is I'm feeling, "Because I feel vulnerable."

"You look beautiful."

A warmth spreads over me at the compliment. I need to hear that. I need to hear that I'm pleasing. I need approval. I need to be desired.

"Look at me and take off your panties."

I try to look at him, but I can't. Not while I'm like this. Not when I'm getting naked. I can't even take my panties all the way off. I get as far as mid thigh before the shame overtakes me and I can't go any further. I'm stopped in a bent over position, paralyzed, unable to completely remove them. I don't know how he'll react to this, but I just can't do it.

He stands up and walks behind me. I continue to be frozen in place, my face burning with shame. I know this looks foolish, that I look silly. I force myself to push my panties down a few inches more, but I just can't give them up. I can't relinquish that last vestige of modesty. That's when he pulls them down the rest of the way. And I'm grateful for the rescue at the same time as my humiliation increases.

"Spread your legs."

I don't move an inch.

"Spread your legs."

I move them open a fraction of an inch.

"You can do better than that."

I open a little bit more. But it's not good enough. He kicks my right leg a foot and a half to the right, and before I can adjust to the exposure, he kicks my left foot about a foot to the left. My feet are now much much further apart than I would have ever been able to do on my own.

"Lean over and put your hands on the bed," and I'm happy to be able to hide my face into the down comforter. I quickly bury my face in my hands on the bed, barely caring that this opens my ass for inspection.

I have told him earlier in the evening that I have my period. And in this position it's obvious I have a tampon in. I am completely humiliated thinking of the string that I know is clearly visible. When I feel him opening my ass and slipping his tongue over my hole, all I can think of is that little telltale sign tucked between my pussy lips, and I'm burning with shame.

His fingers run over my clit, and even with the 'pon in I'm completely soaked. My lips are slick with my juices, and I can feel it smeared on the inside of my thighs. I feel that familiar fire running down my legs while he plucks at my hard, wet clit. When I feel him tug on the string, it startles me back into reality.

"Do you want me to take this out, or do you want to do it?"

Oh. My. God. I whimper into my hands, and I am dying, dying, of humiliation. I'm so fucking embarrassed I can't stand it. I squirm and whine, but can't answer him. I can't decide. I don't want to interrupt this scene. I don't want to walk away and go to the bathroom. But I can't imagine him pulling it out. And at the same time I want him to do it. If he was my Dom and wanted to do that, I would let him, of course. And if he's willing to do something so intimate maybe I should let him do it.

It's gross. It's hot. The argument went back and forth in my head.

I don't know how long he waited for my answer. His fingers didn't leave my cunt while the war raged inside my head. He was patient, but it probably became obvious that I wasn't going to be able to make a decision, so he took it upon himself to take action, and removed the impediment.

And, again, I was grateful to him for taking the initiative.

He fucked me like that, leaning on the bed on my elbows. I lifted my ass to his thrusts. I wanted to make him feel good. I wanted to take every inch of him. I wanted to show my gratitude, to show how much I appreciated him taking my choice away, so I could be free to enjoy what he offered.

Later, he told me that he likes the freedom he has with my body. That he's feeling out what it is he wants, and he likes being able to inspect and enjoy my body however he wants. He's so curious about playing, and I think he's beginning to get an inkling of the control that is possible for him to have over my body. And even though he's inexperienced with this type of power, I know he'll be responsible with it. His desire for me to be pleased with our sex is at the heart of his willingness to explore these games.

That's not to say he's only interested because I am, I trust him to not participate in activities with which he's uncomfortable. I'm happy to try whatever strikes his fancy, and I share stories of past experiences to illustrate what's possible. We're slowly, patiently discovering what it is that works for both of us.

Montage

"Hey! Get your tongue outta my butt!" >giggle< "What did you say?" "Get your tongue outta my butt!" "No, this is my butt. "

...

I'm on my hands and knees, with M behind me. My legs are slightly apart, and he's thrusting into me deeply. I'm gasping for air, and it feels like he couldn't be any further into me. But, apparently, it's not deep enough for him. He spreads my legs wider with his knee and smashes my face into the mattress by the back of my neck. And, unbelievably, gets even deeper into me.
Delicious pain.

...

He's fast asleep, cuddled up alongside me. He looks like a dark angel, with his lush mouth slightly open, and that adorable freckle on his eyelid. I'm sitting up, having my last cigarette, enjoying his body curled around mine. I hear his breathing change, and I look down to see his eyes open. He lifts his head up, and appears a bit startled. We're looking into each other's eyes, and I think he's about to tell me about a strange dream he was having. Instead he cradles my face in his hand and gives me a lingering kiss. And then smiling, snuggles closer and promptly falls back to sleep.
Breathtaking.

...

I'm sitting at my computer, and M comes up behind me. He wraps my hair around his hand and tugs my head back, hyper extending my neck. I close my eyes as I feel his other hand grip my throat, and slide down my chest between my breasts. He brings his lips down to my upturned face and kisses me, thrusting his tongue into my mouth, biting my bottom lip. And it sinks me into sweet, light subbie space.

...

I'm laying across his chest, looking up into his moonlit face. We're nestled in his bed after an evening of wet, ravenous, insatiable sex. He asks in that rich, sex laden voice of his, "There really isn't anything you wouldn't let me do to you, is there?" His eyes search my face, and I shake my head silently and slowly, no. And he gathers me up tightly into his arms and kisses me.

...

We had plans to meet, but I had no idea when I would get off of work. The restaurant was very busy, and I was kept later than I would have liked. The bus was late. I couldn't call M, because his phone was on the fritz. We had agreed to touch base online when I got home, but he wasn't online. I was so frustrated, with work, with the bus, with trying to get ready to see M, with not knowing if I was even going to see M. I didn't know what to do with myself. And then I heard a knock on my door. When I open it and see M standing there, I'm speechless.
"Hey you. I didn't know if your internet was off or if you just hadn't come home from work yet. I figured I'd just drive over."
He saved me from myself a little bit that night.

...

Talk Dirty To Me 2

Well, I finally made it to another meeting of the Erotic Literary Salon. And, again, it was a great time. I get so giddy when I attend, between the exhibitionist's excitement of reading my filthy writing and the giggling good times Devo and I have when we get together, I can't not have a good time. In addition to the normal fun and games of the evening, I had the added pleasure of knowing that I'd be spending the night with M, christening his new bed.

Before the salon began, a lady spoke about sensuous/sensual experiences. It was informal, and when she asked the crowd to give her some sensual experiences, I said "Eating," which to me is obvious. She asked me what my favorite sensuous thing to eat was, and I said "Cock," which got a laugh. And then I said, "If I were to be completely honest, I would say my current lover's mouth." (M got a real kick out of me saying he was my lover...heh heh) She then asked me to use some words to describe his mouth.

insistent...hungry...searching...exaltant...base...bruising...tender...

Really, I could stare at his mouth all day. I could kiss it for hours. I love when he bites, nibbles, licks, sucks, trails his tongue over me. I love listening to him talk. His voice is like caramel; rich, toasted sugar that flows from his beautiful mouth and washes over me, coating me with thick sensuality....

But I digress...

At the salon I read Bizarre Love Triangle from a previous blog post of mine. It went over really well, and the woman who runs the salon was very happy to see me back. Devo again read something he had written that day, which was hilarious and sexy. I so admire his sense of humor. And just as the salon was ending, M called to say he was on his way back to the city from band practice. Eeeeeexcellent.... :)

Coincidentally, M and I both had an opportunity to introduce friends of ours to each other for the first time last night. M met Devo and Rob when he picked me up from the Salon, and I met M's roommate when he and I got to his place. She said she had heard alot about me, and I answered that I hoped it was "good stuff", and she said "Oh, yes." Hmmmmm, I have to remember to ask M what that "good stuff" is, exactly...

As far as all the lovely, naughty, dirty things M and I did last night...Well, that will have to wait, dear readers. M's bed was thoroughly christened, that much you can be sure of, but I have an entire post formulating about a particular recurrence in our activities lately. So, I will work on that and you'll get all the filthy details soon. :)

Violently Happy

I had a surprise visit from M last night. We hadn't planned on seeing each other; he had promised a friend help in moving. I figured it would take all night, and he would be too tired to see me. I was on the way home from dinner at my sister's house when he called and asked if I wanted him to come over.

Duh.

Fleetingly, I thought of his previous "request" concerning my ass and his next visit. He maintains he wasn't being Dominant when he said he wanted me to be prepared for anal sex when we last saw each other. And since it was getting late, and I didn't want to have to explain to my sister and her boyfriend why I needed to stop at Walgreen's, I shrugged it off. I figured he wouldn't really care either way, he seemed to not expect to be obeyed.

He asked if I'd cleaned myself. I admitted I hadn't, and he asked me if I didn't remember that he had wanted me to be prepared the next time he saw me. I said yes, but that this visit had been unexpected so I hadn't had the chance to prepare.

"Well I think that I should inspect you."

"Nooooooooooooooooooo!" I said trying to scurry away from him, but he grabbed me by my upper arms and pushed my chest down onto the bed. I tried to curl into a ball, tucking my ass under. He delivered a smack sharply to my ass, taking my breathe away. I felt my cheek turn hot where his hand landed, and I raised my butt reluctantly.

When he spread my ass open I wasn't able to maintain the position. I have become unused to being on display, or subjected to inspection. But he wouldn't relent, he wouldn't allow me to hide from him, and every time I tried to to struggle away I was smacked hard and adjusted back into place. He penetrated my ass with his tongue, and I burned with delicious embarrassment.

"Why don't you want me to fuck your ass?" he asked, pressing his mouth to my ear.

"I don't want to be messy," I managed to say, shamed by the inspection and regretting not going to the goddamn drugstore.

"You should have thought about that before."

And he entered me, sliding inside in one smooth, unhesitating stroke. And it hurt. And I cried out, over and over again. And he moaned into my ear, and he sunk his fingers into my hips. And I begged him to fuck me harder, to go deeper. And he choked me, and grunted. And i was stretched, and sore, and my ass burned from the slaps and thrusts. And he filled my ass with cum, and i felt every pulsing shot. And my hair clung to my sweating face, and he collapsed on me, our breathing heavy and jagged.

And I thanked him.

Carte Blanche

M is slowly getting used to the idea that he has the sort of sexual freedom with my body that he's never had with other girls. I can see the Dominant in him peeking out more and more, and he's getting much more comfortable with "forcing" me to do things that please him, but make me "uncomfortable". I've tried to explain the appeal of humiliation and shame, and I think he's beginning to get a handle on it.

He and I were cuddling and I felt his fingers creeping to my ass, and he asked me if anal was "on the menu", inquiring if I'd cleaned myself with an enema. When I replied that I hadn't, he said in a voice expecting obedience that the next time he saw me he wanted me "prepared". It vibrated that sub part of my brain, and it felt so good to have a directive again.

Later that night he told me to stand and undress. And tho I spend most of the time we are together naked, I always feel super self conscious stripping down while someone watches me. I removed my clothes awkwardly and red faced. I turned my head and crossed my arms over my body. He told me to put my hands down, and I naughtily pretended that I misunderstood, and covered my hairless cunt with my hands and used my upper arms to hide my breasts. Of course I wouldn't get away with that, and he instructed me to put my hands at my side and keep them there.

He ran his hands over my body, and I couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes. When he told me to turn around and I felt his hands on my thighs and ass, I couldn't help but wonder if I was pleasing or if he was judging my body and finding fault. It didn't matter that we have been sleeping with each other for over a month, when I'm exposed and vulnerable in that way, it bubbles up my most prominent insecurities. I tried to control my breathing. I haven't been inspected in so long...

He said the next time He has me undress for him I will have to maintain eye contact the whole time...Sigh...Thrilling shameful humiliating heart racing fear.