Sunday, September 7, 2008

Carte Blanche

M is slowly getting used to the idea that he has the sort of sexual freedom with my body that he's never had with other girls. I can see the Dominant in him peeking out more and more, and he's getting much more comfortable with "forcing" me to do things that please him, but make me "uncomfortable". I've tried to explain the appeal of humiliation and shame, and I think he's beginning to get a handle on it.

He and I were cuddling and I felt his fingers creeping to my ass, and he asked me if anal was "on the menu", inquiring if I'd cleaned myself with an enema. When I replied that I hadn't, he said in a voice expecting obedience that the next time he saw me he wanted me "prepared". It vibrated that sub part of my brain, and it felt so good to have a directive again.

Later that night he told me to stand and undress. And tho I spend most of the time we are together naked, I always feel super self conscious stripping down while someone watches me. I removed my clothes awkwardly and red faced. I turned my head and crossed my arms over my body. He told me to put my hands down, and I naughtily pretended that I misunderstood, and covered my hairless cunt with my hands and used my upper arms to hide my breasts. Of course I wouldn't get away with that, and he instructed me to put my hands at my side and keep them there.

He ran his hands over my body, and I couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes. When he told me to turn around and I felt his hands on my thighs and ass, I couldn't help but wonder if I was pleasing or if he was judging my body and finding fault. It didn't matter that we have been sleeping with each other for over a month, when I'm exposed and vulnerable in that way, it bubbles up my most prominent insecurities. I tried to control my breathing. I haven't been inspected in so long...

He said the next time He has me undress for him I will have to maintain eye contact the whole time...Sigh...Thrilling shameful humiliating heart racing fear.

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