Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I Don't Know

I don't know what to do about M.

I have tried to tell him how much it hurts me to know that he hasn't stopped fucking his FWB, and how he has lied to me about ending their sexual contact. I have tried to tell him that when he says he will call me, as he did on Saturday, then doesn't, and doesn't the next day, or the next day, or the next day, that it drives me to think he doesn't care about how I feel. I have given him months to address the FWB issue, and I was grateful for any bit of attention he gave me. I thought when he invited me to see his band play, and introduced me to his friends and co-workers, that it meant he was taking me out of the closet, finally. But he didn't introduce me as his "girlfriend", just by my name.

Yet, he tells me he loves me. He says I seem to know him better than he knows himself. He says I'm considerate to him, remembering little things he says and then using the information to enrich his time with me. He's said he's thought about what it would be like if we lived together. He's said that I'm the best sex he's ever had. He's said he'll tell FWB about me, and that they need to stop having sex, that he chooses me.

I don't know what to believe. When I try to talk to him about the turmoil I feel, it ends up me talking and him staring into space with his brow furrowed and his jaw clenched, not saying a word. I do all the talking, while he tries to think of things to say that won't make me angrier or more hurt, but I guess he can't think of anything, because he barely says anything at all.

I wanted him to do things in his own time, because he wanted to do them. I want him to want to be with me more than he wants to be with FWB, but it seems like he's completely unwilling to hurt her by cutting her off, and absolutely willing to go on corrupting whatever relationship it is we have.

I have tried to be as honest with him as I am with myself. I have been faithful to him from the night I met him. I loved him months before I actually said the words. I have cooked for him. I have swallowed my feelings, at times, in order to have his time with me be pleasant and fun. I've ignored his lies. I have been supportive of all his endeavors, and sympathetic to all his disappointments. I have tried to love him wholly and completely, without reservation. I kept back some of the ugliest aspects of my life, not out of shame on my part, but to not burden him with the responsibility of that knowledge. I have tried to keep my "neediness" and "craziness" to a minimum.

Nothing I do or say seems to make any difference to him. To my knowledge he hasn't stopped seeing FWB, tho I haven't spoken to him about it since I said it's either her or me two weeks ago. It's day 5 of him not calling or seeing me, tho we did chat via yahoo a bit yesterday. I still can't visit him at his place, for fear that FWB will hear of it, and flip out on him, as if she has any right to be upset and I'm the one who has to keep her mouth shut stuffed away in the closet.

What am I supposed to do? End the relationship with the guy I love? Does it matter that I love him, when he seems to care so little for me? Does he love me? Will he stop seeing FWB, ever? Or will he continue to be with her thru all his subsequent relationships, and then end up spending the rest of his life tied to her? What does he want?

He's said a couple times that maybe he should take some time to be by himself. That he should take some time to get his life in order before he's with me. I know what that means. That means he's going to go back to being single, occasionally fucking FWB, and abandoning me with a broken heart and a trail of lies and betrayals. I don't know what it means that he could say he loves me, yet give me up so easily, just to save the feelings of someone who he says he doesn't want to be with anymore. I don't know what that says about what he thinks I'm worth.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

All I can tell you from my own experiences, is that you can't change anyone when it comes down to it. They're going to act in the way that they wish, no matter what you say or want, because it's in their nature. I think you should ask yourself if the love is worth the exasperation of his other "extracurricular activities." You should be happy and in love, not in love and discontent.