Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Muddling Thru

It's been difficult to write posts lately. I don't want to only do linear recountings of the sex M and I have. For one thing, I think it could be pretty boring. Our sex isn't boring, but the retelling might not be of much interest, particularly since we have sex multiple times in a visit and that would make the posts very lengthy.

Also, I don't quite know how to write about the other aspects of our relationship outside of the sex. I'm not even sure what our relationship is at the moment. M has told me that he's can't, or doesn't want to be, in an exclusive relationship. It was an odd combination of relief and disappointment to learn that. I was grateful to hear the truth from him, at the same time I was obviously unhappy to learn he wanted to be with girls other than me.

We continue to see each other, tho it looked for a while as though we wouldn't. After so many arguments, "discussions", hurt feelings, and crying fits it looked so bleak that I figured we'd never be able to be around each other. The lying he was doing, so unnecessary in my opinion, seemed never ending, and I didn't feel like I was ever going to know what was truly going on.

M was seeing/talking to other girls all while I was trying to reconcile my feelings with what I was hearing from him. I think he was embarrassed and felt guilty about being caught out in his lies, and I felt like I was the one being punished for his transgressions while he blithely went about his life as if I had never been involved in it. Yet, I never considered him to be malicious, even when I found out about the lies. I don't believe he lied and cheated out of cruelty, but out of insecurity and fear.

Not that these are excuses, there is no excuse for what he did. There was never any reason for him to lie to me, I've had all types of relationships. The pain I was put thru could have been avoided, and continuing to lie to me only left me more confused and hurt.

The bizarre thing is that he trusts me "more than [he] trusts most people", and I think he means that. I hope he's telling me the truth now, and when I ask him about other girls, or where he was or what he was doing, that he'll keep on being honest with me. It's the only way I see that I'll be able to do this, and I do want to do this. I enjoy being with M, and I'm reluctant to end something that brings us so much pleasure.

It's confusing at times, but I'm muddling through it. The time we've been spending with each other lately has been filled with laughter and fantastic sex. M's the only guy I want to be with, and that was brought into sharp focus recently when I was reminded of what exactly is out there. M and I get along so well, and if he continues to be honest with me, I'm happy.

It'll be back to the explicit sex tomorrow. ;)


Abe's Heart said...

I have to put your blog into my blogroll. Nice writing.

`x~Abe's Heart.

Laani said...

Thank you so much!