Sunday, October 18, 2009

Cool As A Cucumber

I hadn't heard from M during the day, but that's not so unusual. He's on jury duty this week (seriously, that's not some new hipster term for some other activity, actual jury duty)and he gets out around 4:30, and I expected a call soon after that. I had makeup on from a session I had done earlier in the day, and my hair I hadn't even bothered with because it was a rainy blustery day and it would just have been ruined anyway. I did shave my legs.

6pm comes and goes and I start keeping my phone closer to me. 7pm comes and goes and I start looking at it even when I haven't heard the buzz for a text message. 8pm comes and goes and I send a text message and attempt to call him. No reply to text, no answer to my calls. I begin to think things like "accident", "break-up", and I keep an eye on my email expecting an "I'm Sorry" message to appear telling me M will not be coming, now or ever. 9pm he calls, no explanation beyond, "Ive been feeling run down," and he's on his way. Ummm, ok. Fine.

Footfalls on the stairs and M arrives. Kisses. Chit chat. Pizza. I'm wondering why he's late, but I also know he went on a date yesterday, and I'm curious how it went. When I ask him about the date, he lies at first. It's pretty half hearted, and I just look at him and shake my head. I don't believe him, and I don't make a secret of it. Then, out comes the truth.

He saw Rachel and they fucked. Later, I was to find out she marked him. She had bitten into his shoulder, in two places, leaving hickeys, as well as raking her nails across his shoulder blade and digging into his bicep/tricep. They did it once, and he spent the night because it was late. It was at her place. I asked a lot of questions, and he answered them.

At no time did I lose my shit. I stayed calm and listened to everything. I told M that I have a harder time dealing with him kissing, cuddling, and looking at another girl the way he does with me, than I do with the idea of him fucking some girl. I told him that her marking him pisses me off, I don't even leave marks on him. I pointed out that I wasn't screaming and crying or throwing shit around, and he said, "Not outwardly." I said, "Well, that's what really matters." I told him that I find him sexier when he tells me the truth and shares things with me that he normally would try to lie about. I told him that when he trusts me with the truth, it creates more intimacy with him.

He held my face in his hands, made sure I was looking him in the eyes, and he told me he would never leave me for her. He was emphatic that they had used a condom, and that if he fucked her again he would continue to. He told me that he doesn't tell me he loves me, not because he doesn't love me, he doesn't say 'I love you," because it seems to him to be hypocritical to say it if he's fucking other girls. He said he doesn't kiss other girls like he kisses me, that it's easy to kiss me, and it always has been. He tells me that when he looked into the mirror and saw the marks on his shoulder that (not surprisingly) his first thought was of me, and he became upset knowing that it would upset me to see it. He told me he was much more appreciative of me than he lets on.

He thanked me for not going insane. He had been so nervous about telling me, but that he had also known he was going to. He had been late because he was scared and anxious about telling me he'd fucked another girl, but that he knew he had to because I had told him that I wanted to know when he did. He was very scared to have me see the marks on his shoulder. He said he was dreading me seeing it.

I thought about establishing some ground rules, and M said I was entitled to lay some down. I don't think I will, tho. It seems that may be setting him up to fail, and if he breaks one of the "rules" he'd be even more reluctant to tell me about it. I offered my opinion that I felt the other girls should know about me, but that it was up to him to decide if he wanted to tell them.

I'm not happy that he fucked another girl, it doesn't turn me on. In fact, it was much more difficult, in spite of the increased feeling of intimacy, to have the very small weak orgasm that I ended up with that night. I don't enjoy the idea of the man I love spending time, energy, affection, or attention on someone(s) else. It does not please me to have images pop into my head, unbidden, of him with other girls.

I am happy that he told me, and answered my questions honestly. It turns me on that he trusts me, and I enjoy feeling closer to him. It makes him more attractive to me. I'm pleased with myself for not going ape shit, tho he admitted I was certainly within my rights to.

M was so relieved, and I think he felt better telling me the truth instead of lying about what happened. I knew he would be, but I don't think he knew how liberating honesty was going to be for him. He kept saying how "awesome" I was, and how grateful he was for me not flipping out.

He should be grateful, dammit. I am awesome. I teased him, using my wit to diffuse my hurt and anger. I didn't insult him, instead telling him that he's insecure and wants new girls to affirm his attractiveness and sexiness. I pointed out that it wasn't that he couldn't have sex with me whenever he wanted, but the novel and new was what he was after.

Makes no sense to me why he would want to have sub par sex with random chicks when he has a kinky, loving, hot for his cock chick in me. It's not like our sex is boring or has dipped in any way. He's as hot for me as I am for him; he gets hard with me as easily and quickly as I get wet for him. He loves the feel of my body curled around him and laid across him. He loves Saturdays when we lay in bed, venturing out for coffee and tamales, then burrowing back under the covers to snuggle some more, fuck, laugh, and talk. He says he can't believe that our weekly visit still drains all the stress of the week out of him; that he leaves rejuvenated.

I'm dealing with it all fairly well. I love him, so what can I do? Mari and I have talked about this before, and I've told her that I want to be with him, and my dilemma is that if I were to tell him I didn't want to see him anymore, it would be a lie. So, I'm with him because I want to be, and he wants to be with me, and that's how it is right now.

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