Wednesday, November 11, 2009

To Tell the Truth

I've been being a bit disingenuous on the blog as of late. This is supposed to be a sex blog, and since I've been in relationships with the partners I've written about, by extension it's also a relationship blog. But I never meant for it to be a "relationship" blog, so I have kept out a lot of the relationship related events. Not all, but most. This has lead the blog to take an unsexy turn, in my opinion. It just doesn't seem as hot and steamy on here as I used to be.

It's not because my sexual escapades have deteriorated, or become banal. M and I still play and experiment and it's as thrilling as it's always been. Sex is not my issue; the relationship is my issue.

M continues to see other people, but that's not exactly my problem. My problem is that he sees other people and I feel he's being dishonest about it. Finding out anything about these other girls is like pulling teeth with him, and I can't seem to make him understand that if I'm able to operate in this type of relationship I need him to be open with me. His hiding of things only increases my anxieties.

He has improved a bit, it's just so sloooooooow, and it's trying. And he doesn't seem to understand what I need to feel special and important, and I'm not even sure he cares.

I go back and forth wondering what I mean to him. Sex is such a large part of our relationship, and it's as important to me as it is to him. And the passion and desire we feel for each other is intense, as any of my readers should be familiar with. I wonder if I mean more to him than just that. I have doubts about his feelings for me, and I don't want to have those doubts.

M has told me that he would never leave me for any of these girls. He tells me he loves me. He says our sex is amazing. He tells me I'm beautiful, and that I have a gorgeous body. He says I'm never boring; that I'm fun. He tells me I'm the only one who has a specific day, that is inviolate, that he spends with me.

What I don't know is does he talk with them the way he talks to me? Is he telling them how beautiful they are? Is he introducing them to his friends? How often does he see them? Does he cuddle them, stare into their eyes, caress them, the way he does with me? Is he using condoms every time?

And a million other things...

He doesn't chat online with me, text me, or call me to chat. I feel ignored and not a priority. But mainly I'm just don't feeling like he cares for me. I feel closer to him when he's honest with me. It actually turns me on, not because I think it's hot to hear about the other girls, but because the intimacy that develops as he's telling me fills me with desire for him. I know it's difficult for him to talk about, and when he does I feel trusted and that my feelings matter to him.

All I want is the truth. I can handle it.


littlegirl said...

i think it's awfully hard to keep a strictly "sexy" blog when you have a real relationship with the people you fuck. but i also think that in the same way that you desire M more when he's intimate with you, as a reader, i like your sexy stuff more when there's relationship context. (then again, that is what i tell myself to keep from feeling bad that my blog is about 10% sex these days. i know how you feel!) but really, i'm fascinated by your relationship. reading an account of some hot nasty has its place, but so does feeling like there's substance behind the hot nasty.

good luck with M and the open relationship. it sounds hard, and i respect you for it. he is a lucky, lucky man :)

persephone said...

i agree with lg. i like the blog to be about the relationship, and i think a lot of people really appreciate the arc. everyone who wants to read sexy stories only can look at your archives to find what they need. your loyal readers, i'd think, are interested in the whole story line of your life. think of it-- we've been reading each other for years now. we know that you have great sex, but we wonder what's happening in your actual LIFE.

as for feeling like a priority (which is what stuck out for me in the rest of what you said), it does come down to what you tolerate. i mean, you have to communicate with him-- let him know that you don't feel like a priority, and let him know what you need for him to fix that. but if he doesn't fix it... then you have to take responsibility for *allowing* and even encouraging him to *not* treat you as a priority.

Laani said...

Thanks so much lg and meg for taking the time to write to me about this post. I appreciate your comments, all of your comments, more than I can say.

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littlegirl said...

Hey Laani,
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