and i'm not nearly as likely to give it to them anymore.
***the following may veer into ranting, and does not pertain to my D/s, or Daddy, directly***
i have had it up to here with the boys i spend time with or even come into casual contact with, thinking i should be constantly going out of my way for them.
i was chatting with Ry today online, and mentioned that i had off of work tonight. i told him if he wanted to see me then maybe we could meet up tonight. he responded with "do you want to see me?" ummmm, yeah, that's why i just said that...then i asked him what he wanted to do this evening. and he asks "is there anything you'd like to do?" grrrrrr..."nothing in particular."
And that's when i began to get really fucking irritated. i ask if you wanna hang out, and then i'm supposed to reiterate that i want to hang out? then, i ask what we could do for the evening, and i get "i have to paint the deck of my car". not "we can go to the movies" or "dinner " or anything. And then...then!!!...he tells me to jump in the shower so i can catch the two (2!!!) trains i have to take to get to his place!!
i asked if he was picking me up, and he said it was in the wrong direction from his way home from work. i. am. livid. he's got no idea for anything to do, beyond fucking me, and he wants me to take the trains to see him, with the layover being in Camden, which is consistently at the top of the nation's murder and drug crime rates (i'm talking #1 year in year out). plus! he always wants me to dress up in heels and thigh highs and shit, and then sit there waiting for the next train with the homeless, crackheads, rapists, etc.
but the best part, THE BEST PART, is that recently my girlfriend, Astrid, asked me to move in with her. she's gonna be getting her own place in South Philly, near the Italian Market. it's very tempting, and i told her i'd think about it. i mentioned it to Ry and he bemoaned the fact that he'd never see me. i reminded him it was a 10 minute drive over the bridge, and he could easily take the train if he didn't want to drive. But no, he doesn't like to take the train, and he doesn't want to deal with parking in the city. and these are all very good reasons for me to get a car...and blah blah blah...
GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE! WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS!!??!! DOES HE THINK HE'S SO FUCKING SPECIAL THAT I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL HE WANTS TO SEE ME??!!! HE'S A GOOD LAY, SO THAT MEANS I ALWAYS HAVE TO GO OUT OF MY WAY TO SEE HIM???! I'M A GOOD LAY, TOO! WHY DOESN'T THAT TRANSLATE INTO ME GETTING A RIDE OR DINNER OUT OR SOME-BLOODY-FUCKING THING!!!??? HE'S NOT MY DOMINANT!!
...deep breathes, deep breathes.....
and, ya know, it probably wouldn't be bothering me too much, except that Astrid and i went out this past weekend. we had a great time together, together being the operative word. when i tried to talk to any of the guys, or girls for that matter, i got the most vapid non-conversation. i couldn't believe it! when did people stop bothering to be interesting or funny? i'm standing there being charming, and amusing, and putting my best self forward...and nothing. i'm having a conversation with a wall. one of the guys i met was supposedly a writer, for chrissake! even he couldn't muster an interesting story! i'm not expecting miracles here, just give me something to work with!
i'm completely disgusted. i do not need to work that hard. buying me a drink does not guarantee you my phone number. i'm worth more than that. i'm more valuable than that. i'm not like other girls. and i am not putting up with these...boys...getting the benefit of me without me believing they're worth it. they aren't even trying anymore, and their luck has run out.