Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Poetic Justice

So, ironically, I've been watching , on YouTube, talks, speeches, and appearances of Hitchens all day. And it would only be appropriate that my whole hearted embracing of atheism should come back and bite me on the ass on this of all nights.

It would be laughable if it wasn't so fucking painful.

I woke up today not wanting to attend the festivities. Or, rather, in conflict about it. The same conflict I feel every fucking year. I am a loser, and the annual familial confession of that fact is not something I look forward to. At the same time I know my family wants to see me, and don't give a shit that I am confused or unsure about my way in the world. They don't care that I am making missteps all over the place. They love me already, they've settled on that, and there are very few things I could do that would dissuade them from that notion.

They don't look on me with pity. They never ask when I'm gonna get married. There's no pressure to propagate the family name. They don't purposefully or inadvertently insult me. They respect my opinion and validate my emotions. They are genuinely happy to see me, and as much as I fear their repudiation, it's never happened.

I woke up today lamenting having to attend, and find myself disappointed that I am forced to be left out.