Thursday, December 24, 2009

I Hate Goodbyes

I hate saying goodbye to M. Even when it's only for a few days. I get inexplicably sad when I'm watching him walk away, or when I finally turn around and head to the train station or in the direction of my apartment, alone. It's particularly difficult when we have no plans to see each other in the near future. At least when I know I'll see him in the next few days, I can have something to look forward to.

M doesn't seem to be as effected by parting as I am. I suppose that's normal. I think he has confidence that we'll be seeing each other again soon. And I don't believe he feels the same urgency that I do. I also think our definitions of "soon" are vastly different. And that's probably to be expected, too.

M leaves to visit his mom for xmas every year. He's gone for a week, and I know his mom looks forward to his visits. It's sweet, actually. And I don't begrudge these visits, but I do miss him. It's even worse than a normal goodbye, because it'll be even longer before I get to see him. And the distance makes the feeling of separation all that more acute.

Also, and this is going to sound so puerile, M was sick the night before he left, and it was the first night we ever spent together and didn't have sex. Poor guy had chills and a fever; his whole body ached. I tried to take care of him as best I could. He was very sweet, and thanked me over and over for being there to tend to him. He held me tight and told me he loved me, and I teased him that he was delirious with fever, but it still made me smile to hear it. Guys can be so adorably pathetic when they're sick.

A few things that have been taking the sting out of his being away are that I actually have xmas plans this year, I've been shopping for his gifts online, and he and I have chatted online a few times since he's left. Last year I didn't spend any holidays with my family, and it got me very depressed. Searching for M's gifts has been a lot of fun. And seeing him on webcam has softened the blow of being so far apart.

I still hate saying "Goodbye", but saying "Welcome back!" is going to be exciting. ;)

No comments: